when I was happy last year

 I am not longer in the same world I was before. Things are calmer now. I am myself. In a way, this self is more boring. I do not find her as interesting. But, she is not as painful and is easier to live with – so I prefer her. She may not be as fun now. She does not screech around in public anymore, a reckless and uncontrollable force of happy hysteria.

She did enjoy those moments. She loved them. However, she could not control them. She interrupted, yelled loud and found calming her vibrant exterior impossible to control. If you were quiet, her presence swallowed you whole. It was fun. It made her mind forget for a minute the pain. She just couldn’t find the peace to think properly.

Behind that overjoyed face, she knew her heart was screaming for help. She was hurting. If she didn’t explode with panic in front of you, could you know? Some did not believe her when she told them. That was ok. She would be ok eventually.

Now she is ok, she thinks.


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