Wanting to do what I WANT

  I am addicted to the taste of comfort. I want to do what I want to do. If I want to sleep, I sleep away the day. If I want to eat, I eat far more than I should. If I want to cloud my mind with the worthless entertainment of facebook and youtube, I do it. I am swayed my wants. I am swayed by my emotions. They are the sea that drowns me and I keep jumping overboard to chase treasure on the seabed. Except, there I cannot breathe. I am drowning myself.

  Lord, I turn from you day after day,  saying I am too tired to look to you. I am sick, I do not want to read your scripture. My mind is torturing me, just let me sleep. Pray to you? No, I am tired. I am unwilling to overthrow the slothful will of my flesh. Just leave me, my heart says.

  How can I be that cruel? Cruel to the one who only ever gave me comfort for pain, love for fear and hope for death. How, I ask, can I be that cruel to you? To you! To the one who sweat blood and screamed in agony for each sin I purposefully committed. To the one who was perfect. My God, how could I spit in your face still?! No, no, oh the sorrow my sin has brought.

  I want to be but a slave crawling face down to your feet and begging for mercy. For that could be easier. But I am your child. I walk to your throne and look at your face, gentle and powerful. I take a knee. I lift my hands. I weep before you.

  How is it that I could walk to you so? I do not deserve my salvation! I never did. It is not by my own hand that I drew salvation to myself. As it says in Ephesians, you chose me before you made the earth. Lord, I can take no glory in this. I am but a disgusting leech that should be cast away into the mud. Except, you do not say that. You pull me out of the mud and wash me in the blood of Christ. You have placed me in your church. I am part of your church. I am now your very own child. How can it be? How can you be so good?

 My will is nothing to me. Take it if you please. But, that would be easier. So I ask that you will give me the strength to overcome it. Forgive me for my sin. I am here. I want to say I will turn from my ways immediately. But, I do not know if I lie. So Lord, help me to turn from these ways immediately. I cannot do it alone. I admit I am incapable of such a thing. I turn to you.

 I wake from my sleep and I turn to you. I clear my mind and I turn to you. I rise from my bed and I turn to you. I put away my comforts and I turn to you.

And then when I closed my laptop and turned to Him, He showed me an image of me walking to His throne. I saw that I knelt, I lifted my hands and I wept before His feet.

Then Jesus came.


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