It’s time. I think it’s time for me to move on; move on and repent of the unforgiveness I have harboured for years.
This whole journey of suffering started five years ago. Five years ago when things happened and people hurt me badly. This ‘stuff’ had huge ripple effects on me that I didn’t see until this year. I have seen the awful fearful way I have lived since then; things I did and didn’t do out of incredible fear. I have not dealt with it until this year.
I still hold onto unforgiveness. I am bitter and I am hurting. However, maybe it is time to repent. I don’t need to fully understand why it all happened. I don’t need to blame anything or anyone. It has not been my place to carry offence and bitterness. Jesus took my sin and I surrendered. Yet, I did not surrender this. I did not surrender my right to be bitter against this.
The repercussions aren’t as violent as they used to be, but they are still there. The pain from this time still haunts me and I should surrender it to God. I want to surrender it to God.
Lord, you know. You know what went on all these years. You understand. Lord, I don’t need to understand to forgive. I have wronged you greater than this wronged me. God, forgive me for my selfish unrepentance. I give up my right to harbour this any longer. It is not mine. Lord, heal me from these wounds and block their memories from my mind. Forgive me for my sin. Lord, forgive me.
Lord, I also hold onto the pain of this season. Unwilling to stop recounting it’s trauma and justifying it somehow through my self-pity. Forgive me for my selfish sin. Wash me clean dear Lord. I surrender to you more. Lord, teach me to surrender my all.