What if it’s happening again? What if… what if I am slowly slipping south again? What if this is not just a blip but a line? Maybe this is depression… again… How many days has it been? It’s Friday. A week and a half then. Maybe two weeks? I think it’s two weeks.
I forget about the dull lifeless cloud that settles. I forget that it obscures all view. But… did I not ask for it? I said I missed it. I didn’t mean I wanted it back. I just wasn’t sure how to live normally yet. Will I get the chance? For I feel it here. I know the steps. So do they.
Step one. She notices that she doesn’t want to do a thing. Her feet drift around bored and unsure of their place.
Step two. She feels numb to the world but heavy to her heart. A distant sorrow seeps into her soft soul.
Step three. She lays on the floor again, again, again and again. The ceiling drifts above her searching eyes giving no life to her dying breath.
Step four. She no longer wants to leave the house. Staying indoors seems ever sweeter
Step five. She admits that depression might be a possibility and flinches at fear.
Step six. She speaks her thoughts. She questions. Is this it? Maybe not. But maybe so.
Step seven. It gets worse.
Step eight. She stops counting the steps.
My legs bobs again and my knuckless rub restlessly against my palm. Smiles do not bother me anymore. I am left in my easy falling gait. Baited breath sits high in my chest. Maybe anxiety comes too… Social anxiety flickers awake and reminds me of their pestering lies. Finally, (now I am sure) I feel it when I am around friends.
Perhaps. Perhaps it is back. Perhaps only for a few days more.
Lord? Lord, do you hear? Where do I go?
Why, my soul, are you downcast?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.
I do not know where my heart goes. Yet, I will praise you.
Hallelujah. So then, over and over, my voice will whisper hallelujah to you my loving King.