It’s been weeks of bliss. Anxiety, depression and fear have stayed distant from me. However, I am terrified. I don’t want to fall again, but I can feel it.
Yesterday I lay on the floor looking up at the ceiling. Strange sensation slowly washed over me. My body felt distant and unaware of my existence. I questioned the curiosity and noticed the quick gasp of my breath. I pressed two fingers against my warm neck and I felt it. Though I lay in seeming silence my pulse beat faster to a different world. I beg and I plead, I cry that it would stay away.
If time could only hold for a moment, a day, perhaps but a season… Let this oasis drift in the infinity of time. Let my suffering float by in whispers far from my hope. God, please, are you there?
This morning I sat in church as it ran its fingers across my chest violating my peace. Panic and fear swayed before my eyes trying to seduce me into their cold tantalising grip. They began to whisper louder. Their hoarse voices scratched in my chest, rumbling down my spine. I began to succumb, I lusted after the relief their panicked expression promised.
My calmed existence almost broke. Terror and insanity nearly ran away with me. My fingers curled into a fist and shook with the sharp panic that knocked. I almost didn’t make it. My familiar friend fear nearly took me in panic attacks.
I called out to God. I begged for His peace. I pleaded. I cried out. I broke to Him. I was not prepared to fall so easily to the cry of the night again. My God promised more.
”Lord, please no. I don’t want to do this. It asks at the door of my soul to let it rage as it hasn’t for weeks. God please! Terror has stabbed me in my chest and the knife is twisting over and over! Only you can help me! Give me the peace you say you will in scripture. God, save me! Help me! Give me peace! YAHWEH! Please… save me… Jesus.”
The Lord in His mercy heard my cry and answered. He burst through the storm and swept me up into Himself. He held me near and soothed my heart. His peace fell in cool rain against my burning skin.
Perhaps it doesn’t matter where my heart goes tomorrow? Lord, I will hold to you.