God is very patient. He has to teach me the same lesson over and over. I read something I wrote about a week ago that God had to teach me again last night. God will never cease to amaze me. I sometimes place the perception of human irritation and impatience on Him. But He is not like that. He is perfect. His mercy is everlasting. My views get skewed so easily as I allow the lens of this world to cover my eyes.
I tend to think that I have to get to a certain point for God to use me. That I have to be a certain way. That I have to do certain things to be a good Christian. It has been a very tiring act. I make sure to fortify my good girl, good Christian image to the people around me. I have placed my identity in the eyes of others.
As someone last night was talking to me about my identity my eyes were opened. She showed me that I had been basing my identity on my struggle. Which is part of the reason I have been unwilling to let go of my suffering. I have been ‘Ashleigh who struggles for God’. I was scared to let go of that. But my identity doesn’t lie there. I don’t know how many times God is going to have to show me this.
What does it mean to be a child of God? Who does that make me? How does it play out in my life?
God is offering me something else for my anger, my fear, my pain, my struggle. He is offering me beauty for ashes. He has given me the gift of singing. He has given me an intense love for children. He has given me words to write and words to say. He has given me so much. He has given me His son to base my identity in and I have chose something else.
I didn’t to move from where I was because it’s easy. It’s easy to stay where you and sit in your well used pit of doom. I idolised my image of the suffering saint for Christ. I have been jealous to let it go. I wanted others to see me, not my King. Instead of focusing on the glory my being brings to God, I looked at the glory it brings me.
I have forgotten I am merely the moon that reflects the glory of the sun. It is not my light. I did not make the light. I am merely reflecting the light of my King to the darkness of this world. I am not fit to be even the lowliest servant in the courts of heaven. But yet my sorrow and filth has been redeemed by Christ’s blood.
I am not the center of my universe, God is. I have sinned. I am wrong. I ask for forgiveness dear, Lord. You are the Lord of Lords, my healer and saviour. You are the risen one, you are Yahweh.
Is there not beauty in something as this. A beauty in the sorrow of the Holy Spirit showing us our sins. A new light is shone and a new path is forged. The sins of yesterday are forgiven. I feel like a baby being born again and again. But I have merely needed to remember the light of my new life in Christ and what is means. This is a good day.