I pulled myself off the bed and dragged myself onto my carpet. I lay face down convulsing against the pain in my heart. God told me to look up. So I rolled over and stretched my head back, straining to see the glow of the moon shining through the night sky into my window. Silence filled the empty room as I stretched my hand out for rescue. I whispered into the echoes, “Jesus, help me.”
As those words left my mouth a few tears fell down my cheeks. The pain filled my heart and pushed against the walls of my chest. It stole my breath and screamed through the halls of my mind. Then I opened my eyes and screamed through the agony, “God, I give it to you.” The edge fell off the sword and slowly a dull ache was released. I lay there till words of praise trickled off my lips. I surrendered.
I knelt on the floor, my head hung down. My breath shuddered as the ache rocked in my chest. Music filled my ears as I began to violently jerk out the pain. My arms flew up and to the side as my chest heaved in and out. I placed myself before the Lord and began dancing.
The pain flew through my arms and erupted in the air. I moved the space around me to show the Lord the pain I felt inside. Slowly the Lord took me and began to release the ache. My eyes closed as I danced to the soothing of my heart. My movements smoothed and my hands relaxed. I moved faster and faster till a smile pulled at my mouth as I spun around in the Lord’s presence. I surrendered.
I stood to the side among friends. The pain pulled at my heart again. My mind began spinning, seeking a release. Behind my back, I began to pull my nails across the inside of my arm till red marks streaked it. I sat on the floor and indulged the frenzy in me by tracing out the same pattern before me over and over. Then a man asked those holding burdens that night to step to the middle. My heart began beating fast and I stepped forward at God’s prompting. As my family around me began to pray, my heart opened up. Together we all took off something we wore as a symbol of surrender. As my jacket hit the floor, a weight lifted off me and the pain released. I surrendered.
Day by day He shows me surrender.