I had been finding ways to cope with my pain in unhealthy ways. I asked God how to let the pain go, but I didn’t wait to hear. So instead of looking to Him, I tried to hold onto thin cracking branches. I tried screaming and crying; scratching and distracting. I tried writing and fighting; walking and talking. I tried sleeping and eating; company and loneliness. I tried thing after thing to stem my pain. They were only a temporary release. When my pain erupted again, water rushed into my senses drowning me.
I kept thinking that if I could survive long enough, God would give me a sudden release. He changed my mind. I need to come to Him each time the pain comes and surrender it. It is a process. He doesn’t just want to release my pain, He wants to disciple and grow me through it.
I have surrendered so much else, but I still hold onto my pain. I need to let it go again and again. This is not some quick, radical lifting of pain and suffering; rather a journey in which I am drawn nearer to my Lord. So, God, I am in it for the long haul.
I will do it. I will start this whole year again for you. I will go even deeper into pain for you. I will suffer even more for you. You know I will die for you. Lord, I will do it. But Lord, I will also face daylight for you. I will be ok for you. I will let go of my suffering for you. So go for it. I am entrusting you with my life. What happens next, whatever it may be, let it be if it’s from you. For you have done far more for me than I could do for you.
I can’t imagine life without you. You are all I have ever known. You gave me life. Jesus took my sin and died with it. What an amazing thing. How I love you, but how you love me.