i am ok?

   I am not ok. I know I should be fine in some weird way. I haven’t felt my anxiety weighing on me, but I’m not ok. I don’t know what words to use to describe what is happening. I just know I am not ok. Yes, I have happy times. Yes, I have been more productive at home. Yes, I’m not having panic attacks, at least not big ones. Yes, I am not breaking in public. But no, I am not ok.

  Last night I was probed out of deep sleep by adrenaline pumping through my blood about a dozen times. My breath was rushing in and out of my lungs and my legs and arms were stiffening and relaxing. I couldn’t wake up sometimes and was left hyperventilating till I drifted back into sleep ten seconds later. A few times I was jumped awake in shock. I must admit it’s not fun. It has never happened to me more than twice in one night. I am not ok.

  I have more moments of longing to ease my pain. I long to feel something other than my heart’s ache. I have watched thoughts of self-harm trickle into my mind and entice me with their deceptive prospect of relief. I am not ok.

   As the sun falls below the horizon so does my mood. Things take a darker turn in my emotions. I feel isolated and lonely, longing for others to be with me. But in the same breath, I want to alone. I am not ok

   I don’t know what I am doing or where I am headed anymore. I am in so much pain. It is always there in the walls of my chest. At unexpected moments it stabs me in the gut. I am not ok.

  God, are you there? I don’t feel you. I don’t know how to do this. I need you to take over. I am drifting in nothingness. I am not ok. Please help me.

 You are my God. I am your child. I will trust you despite the pain and confusion I feel. God, I love you. I just want you so desperately. I hate feeling far from you for even a day. I have known being your child. How could I ever want something else? I love you. You are my only hope.

I know you have me. So I guess I am ok.


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