A pink pill slips down my throat again. Been awhile and I missed its taste. Take me off it and my body rebels. Nausea laces my thoughts and vertigo dances in my eyes. Electric shocks run across my brain as my body withdraws. A wall of depression assaults me. Anxiety screeches through my body halting my breath.
God, this feeling of depression is back. I don’t want it back. I felt tendrils of it on my pink pill, but not like this. I feel a spectrum of emotion I had forgotten was there. I don’t just feel tired, I feel like the life has been sucked out of me. My soul has been bled. My body cringes against a sickness of the mind it is no longer accustomed too. Oh, pink pill it can’t be only because of you.
I sit among friends but feel alien in their midst. I once again wish to be alone. I wish to close myself off to the world; to withdraw from participation in society.
My heart is hollow. A pit deeper than I can feel has moved over my heart. I feel sick. My body, my heart, my mind feels sick. I want to throw up, to projectile vomit this sickness. A darkness overshadows my eyes. A lifelessness haunts me. My emotions are overpowering as well as lifeless and numb. Is it the dark sadness of depression I have known before?
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I had to for that time go off my anti-depressants and it hurt. Lord, it hurt so much. I sat in a timeless void. I waited for something to change, for something to light up. Now I still sit in the ends of that time. The sadness has all but left me. The anxiety is floating away. However, I’m not sure if I can carry on as before. How do I?
God, please show me how. Give me the courage to face the next day. Give me the strength to endure what it holds.
I may not know what to do next but I know that it will take discipline; which I lack. Lord, please help me. Help me!
However, thank you for the joy I have been feeling. Thank you, the community you have surrounded me with. Thank you for showing me how to take the flipping bull by the horns and stand with you. Thank you for being gracious to me and holding me near in my time of need. Thank you for continuing to do so. Thank you.