I don’t know what to do. My body and mind have been suffering. I was having panic attacks. I would hide for fear of being accused of insanity. I did feel afraid and terrified, but also so much more.
The anger would rage and I would despair; begging to strip myself of my flesh. The terror would parade; shaking me to the core. Do you understand? What is reality? Am I making this up? Is this some sick joke the devil is playing on me?
I sit. I am fine. Then numbing waves of sharp anxiety wash over me. Tick tock, do you feel the clock? My heartbeat slows and blood flows. What is this sensation that has washed over me? Reality is distant. I am aware of things around me but in a haze. I can feel a surge coming, creeping up my neck. I have to run! I have to hide!
Screams spiral down. Rage clutches me with its claws. I heave and groan like a savage beast. My hands claw at the ground, at my throat. I feel the urge to tear down all around me. I want to smash my fist into a mirror, send a hammer through a wall and scream. Flush, gosh, I’m cold. I’m hot. My face chills. The terror seeps into my blood. I am going insane! It’s all going up in flames! The ground of my heart may as well have split open. Emotions gush forth in a frenzy to destroy. Agony clutches behind my eyes. They run their swords into my retinas and the waters are let loose. My body is possessed.
I twist, turn, heave and revolt. Reality come back to me. My throat closes in on itself. The legs that once carried me seize and kick. My arms curl back in on myself. My teeth grind, my mind is not mine. The beast takes me by the shoulders and sends shudders and quakes through my veins disrupting the sane.
God, what is this beast? Is it panic attacks, epilepsy or some kind of drug-evoked emotion? I doubt myself, I doubt what I feel. It all has all been my normal, but now I have realised it’s maybe not so.
I don’t want it to be epilepsy for I fear. It brings back the feelings of a previous trauma. It brings back the fear of mistakenly being told I have leukaemia.
Lord, I also fear that they are all in my mind. For God that would mean others would see the insanity in me. Perhaps I am mad. Perhaps those who have seen this would perceive me as so. I fear it for I fear the thoughts of man.
Lord, I hid such things before because I was afraid. I was afraid of what others would think. I was afraid of ridicule. I was afraid that secretly behind doors I was being called insane. For am I? God help me. Save me. I have strayed from your love. I have forgotten its touch. I have left your shelter. I fear man.
God, I know not what this is or what others think. However, God, I know you are good. I know I can rely on you and need not feel shame before you. I know you know what is happening; what will happen. Your love casts out fear. If it has taken my world to be shaken for me to see how much I need you, then there is no regret. God, I have looked in fear at the voices of others when yours is the only one I need fear.
You are my foundation. You are the only lifeline I can hold onto. Forgive me for my reliance on others’ perceptions. Forgive me for fearing insanity too. Forgive me for believing it is by by my strength. I am secure in you. Cleanse my mind of all these lies and lay me down to rest beneath your wings. For only you are God. You hold onto me, God. You hold onto me.