I see the idolatry in my heart. My reliance on the words of others. I see my longing for attention and my selfish desires. I feel overwhelmed by the presence of others and wish to be alone. However, I am also lonely. I long for comfort. Where can I find it?
The voices of others are too loud but too soft. Not all do I hear, only those I wish to hear. Just leave me alone, but don’t! I am conflicted, confused, an oxymoron in disguise. My heart is racing in flat-line. Am I delusional in my fear? These words don’t make sense. Yet they do. Lord, please rescue me. The paranoia overwhelms me. Clock ticking, time-freezing, swirling thoughts violate.
“You are nothing! You unworthy dog! Ha! I can hear your soul sigh. Why are you afraid? You pathetic mortal. You have nothing to blame this unrest on.”
My voice rises, “No, no, these are lies I know, I know! Stop… Please… Somebody stop them.”
Screams swirl down from above, “Lies! What lies? Ha! Ha!”
“Sleep, dear sleep, please give me peace.”
“Do you really think you can hide in sleep?!’’
Mutilated truth floats before my eyes. Drops of anger, fiery and burning, pierce my skin. I am weak. I am done fighting alone. I am tired. Father, please help me. Forgive me for believing these deceptions. They are not yours. They are lies. Dad, please pull me into you. I am scared. I am confused. Please let your love, hope and grace flow through my soul. Cleanse me of this. I can’t fight without you. I need you. I know you are God. I know you are good. I know you have saved me.
God, I am yours. I surrender before you.
Tears of relief flow; out them the pain goes. God’s love is in each breath in. I am whole in you oh Father. I know I am whole in you. I can cry if I want to.
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.
2 Corinthians 5:17