feeling OK seems impossible

I remember when I really started to struggle with depression and the thought of feeling ok seemed impossible. My world began to sink and I didn’t know why. My life felt like a black void that blocked out light. I was hurting, hopeless, confused and lifeless. The void was sucking out the oxygen on which I would depend. I saw my life through the void, an altered, lesser world.

I would spend my time sitting and staring at blank walls. Or, lying on the floor, unable to move. Sometimes running to save myself from being alone, for then the void was dark. I was putting my trust in and being guided by, my emotions. I was being sucked along the void. I saw no future other than the void. I need to be saved.

I was not going to get out alive on my own. I needed my Father, the Creator who knows me to the depths of my soul. He was there! He was always there! The Lord was there all along, gently pulling me back to him, gently showing me how to survive. Till then He showed me how to cry out for help.

I cried out to the Lord, “Lord, it doesn’t matter. Even if I stay right here in the depths of pain for the rest of my life, I will trust you. Lord, even if my depression never goes away, I will trust you.” My depression hasn’t gone away, it has gotten better, but it hasn’t left. The truth is, it is most likely going to be something I battle for the rest of my life. Still, I will trust the Lord. God is worthy of my trust. God is worthy of control over my life. I am a Child of God, that is who I am; that is what I am. God rescues me because I definitely can’t rescue myself. God rescued me through Christ Jesus, who is Lord, and now I am free.

  Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.      

 Romans 5:3-5


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