School (to me) has stood for failure, disappointment, stupidity and indolence-inducing slave master. It has been four long years of wondering if I was stupid. It has been four long years of enduring failure after failure, fighting not to let myself be one. It has been four long years feeling like a disappointment, feeling guilty. It has been four long years of attention deficit disorder, depression and anxiety, making school a prison.
This has been a wall too high to look over. A wall made out of identical grey bricks as wide as the length of my endurance. Everyone else has sledgehammers to break down their walls, their education. I have a patellar hammer which I tap at the wall with, alternately using its head or handle.
There are times when I have run from the wall and hidden, to cry softly with my hammer cast aside. Or have lain on the ground, feet at the bottom of the wall, staring up unable to see its fall. I call it my Berlin Wall.
I dream of the day when it may fall, the day when it no longer overshadows me, the day when I get to climb over its remains and plant the flag of victory. But I fear; I fear that when school ends my wall will not fall but be in a different form. I fear I will always see it lurking in the shadows, threatening to come out of hiding.
I suffer, oh the disgust! I can feel the injustice and the rage I could engrave, the self-pity I could wrap around myself. I am drowning. What do I do? Self-pity?
There is a different road. Christ suffered greater than I ever will. Christ suffered the unimaginable for me. It is not about me. My life does not revolve around me. For I have seen something greater; something worth letting go of everything. What joy I feel in this.
For Christ has made the path and God provides the strength. I will choose rather than to fall, to pick up my hammer and keep moving forward. I will keep my eye on the promise of life, given by Christ, and wait to see the wall fall. I will allow God to use me for his will in or out of suffering. I cannot meet the standard I have set for myself. Rather I will seek my comfort in God’s love. For God is worthy, for God is glorified, for God is great. For God IS!